KOMIKON and OS fusion EMO....

Today, my highschool bud, Mark and I met to go to Komikon in UP. There I met team kyoudo and some new and old friends ^_^

but today is also my, Now X-, boyfriend's birthday. we broke up this morning(yesterday technically since it's 2am). I am so depressed that i can't stop crying...I want to apologize to everyone who took time to listen to me... hindi ako dapat nagkakalat ng ganun...Pasensya na po kayo sa akin. I will keep your advices and words of wisdom in mind. right now, i want to train myself to set my priorities straight and start my life anew.

what hurts is that i couldn't do anything to stop it cause i'm here in the philippines and he's waay over there in Canada....

I didn't have the courage to tell him that he is hurting me...i didn't have the courage to tell him that i'm dying inside....I didn't have the courage and/or strength to do anything but cry and make face during our conversation in YM.

I wanna thank everyone who listened to me...

To Mark:

you're the best bud any fucked up bitch like me could ever have...I'll treat you next time for paying for the taxi tab. Sorry talaga sabog na ako nun kaya wala na akong ginawa kundi umiyak...nabasa ka pa tuloy...sorry rin dahil 1am ka na nakauwi...sorry rin sa mom, kuya at kapatid mo dahil nagalala sila sayo....:(


To Neph:

Tol, You're gonna be my Yuriness from now on....thanks for the booze....and the fries...i needed it...I never expected this night to be one of my EMO sessions. but thanks...I'll make it up to you...


To Sir Saito/Bert:

I really learned a lot from you...thank you... I will keep those advice you gave me in Mind.

To Matt niichan:

niichan! thank you....you've been a very nice oniichan to me...T.T


To kuya Adz, Kuya Earl and Kuya Matt:

Thanks for dedicating that song to me... you don't know how much that meant to me....It made me cry like a river...nahihiya lang akong pumasok sa loob...baka umulan ng luha... salamat salamat...T.T


To Kuya Nabs {my battalion leader in TS}:

Kuya Nabs, you helped me feel better thank you...I owe you a lot for listening to me always...especially in my time of solace and pain. thank you...I assure you that i will always be here for you as well.


To shiz {My TS lil Bro}:

Bro...thanks for the support. I owe you a lot....T.T i don't know what to say....Andami mo nang nasabing advice sa akin....thank you...

To Pendrille:

thanks for listening. it might not seem that much but it helped me vent out enough pain to keep me sane that night... thank you...


To Junichi:

thanks for the poster... that really made me smile :)


To zae niichan:

I'm glad i stuck with you in komikon otherwise i'll be all EMO....thanks for the laughs i enjoyed them


To all of team kyoudo:

Thank you *hugs*


~Cont.

so now, right at this very moment, i await his presence his YM...I will talk to him one last time and say goodbye...I really can't bear the thought that he's with another girl whom he claims remind him of me. For the past 7 nights now, i haven't been able to sleep well nor eat because i can see in my dreams and in my thoughts, as well as my day dreams that he ad that girl are hanging out together and bonding. Doing things we used to...and worst of all, taking my place in his heart....So i'd rather cut ties and leave it all behind....

It hurts that he wasn't the first guy who made me believe in love and just ended up leaving me....

but i can't, now matter how i try to get mad at him....i love him too much....


call me an idiot...i deserve it....:(

*cries in pain*


-----------


I- 6 cycle mind

ay,wag naman
alisin ang nag-iisang panaginip
na ika'y magbabalik
nagsasamang masaya
at walang pagkukulang

at ngayong wala ka na
hindi alam kung san magsisimula
ang ngayon,bukas,kailanman
nagiba
wala bang bukas...

ay,bahala na
ang tanging narinig
wala ka bang ibang masabi
wag ka ng magalala
iniintindi ko
ang lungkot na ginawa mo

at ngayong wala ka na
hindi alam kung san magsisimula
ang ngayon,bukas,kailanman
nagiba
wala bang bukas..

paulit ulit mananaginip
pagising ko'y wala pa rin
hindi maamin, ilang dalangin
wala na, wala ka
wala na..

SWEET MOTHER OF CREATIONS!!!

AH.. sweet internet...I missed you so much *hugs laptop* I miss you.. so much...

I miss you too annoying pop up ads...[you're still annoying though]

I miss you online updates pop up...[you don't piss me off that much anymore]

I miss my beloved forums....[please say you miss me too!]

I miss you LJ...[*post**post**comment**comment*]

I miss you friendster....[even though you're unbelievably sloooow]

I miss you Deviant art! ...[check mail]

I miss you Yahoo mail!...[check mail]

I miss you Gmail! ...[check mail]

I miss you YOUTUBE!!!! [*hugs**shnuggles*]

I miss you GooGLEZ!!! [*search*]

I miss you Wikipedia!!! [*research*]

I miss you blogger! [*post*]

ahh.. sweet mother of creation...thank you for giving me back the main purpose of my existence... I miss you internet....please don't ever leave me like that again....T.T

another test overload!!!

Your Heart Is Blue

Love is a doing word for you. You know it's love when you treat each other well. You are a giving lover, but you don't give too much. You expect something in return. Your flirting style: Friendly Your lucky first date: Lunch at an outdoor cafe Your dream lover: Is both generous and selfish What you bring to relationships: Loyalty

What Color Heart Do You Have?

What Your Underwear Says About You

You like your underwear to make you feel girlish and pretty. Let's hope you're a chick. You're comfortable in your own skin - and don't care to impress anyone.

The Underwear Oracle

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have high extroversion. You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends. You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation. Enthusiastic and fun, you're the first to say "let's go!" Conscientiousness: You have low conscientiousness. Impulsive and off the wall, you don't take life too seriously. Unfortunately, you sometimes end up regretting your snap decisions. Overall, you tend to lack focus, and it's difficult for you to get important things done. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have high neuroticism. It's easy for you to feel shaken, worried, or depressed. You often worry, and your worries prevent you from living life fully. You tend to be emotionally reactive and moody. Your either flying very high or feeling very low. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy: Your propensity for monogamy is medium. In general, you prefer to have only one love interest. But it's hard for you to stay devoted for too long! There's too much eye candy to keep you from wandering. Experience Level: Your experience level is high. You've loved, lost, and loved again. You have had a wide range of love experiences. And when the real thing comes along, you know it! Dominance: Your dominance is medium. You tend to be the one with more power. You aren't a total control freak in relationships.. But of course you don't mind getting you way! Cynicism: Your cynicism is medium. You'd like to believe in true and everlasting love... But you've definitely been burned enough to know better. You're still an optimist, but you also are a realist. Independence: Your independence is medium. In relationships, you need both "me time" and "we time." You usually find it easy to be part of a couple. But occasionally you start to feel a little smothered.

The Five Variable Love Test

People Envy Your Ingenuity

You're a person with unique ideas, big plans, and a zany outlook on life. Many people look to you for inspiration. People envy your creativity and "who cares?" attitude. They feel very ordinary next to you - and they usually are!

What Do People Envy About You?

Grabbed from Hard_Gei! hehe

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||| 60% Stability |||||| 23% Orderliness |||||| 30% Accommodation |||| 16% Interdependence |||||| 30% Intellectual |||||||||| 36% Mystical |||||||||||| 50% Artistic |||||||||||||||| 70% Religious |||||||||||| 50% Hedonism || 10% Materialism |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Narcissism |||||||||| 36% Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Work ethic |||||||||||||||| 63% Self absorbed |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Conflict seeking |||||||||||||| 56% Need to dominate |||||||||||||||| 70% Romantic |||||||||||||| 56% Avoidant |||||||||| 36% Anti-authority |||||||||||||| 56% Wealth |||||||||| 36% Dependency |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Change averse |||||||||||||| 56% Cautiousness |||||||||||| 50% Individuality |||||||||||||||| 70% Sexuality |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Physical security |||||||||| 36% Physical Fitness |||||||||||| 44% Histrionic |||||||||||||| 56% Paranoia |||||||||||||||| 70% Vanity |||||||||||||||| 70% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||| 63% Female cliche |||||||||||| 50%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were low which suggests you are overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense too often of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:
craves attention, messy, open, rash, irritable, likes large parties, low self control, weird, fragile, does not like to be alone, emotionally sensitive, worrying, depressed, heart over mind, does not respect authority, dependent, not rule conscious, not good at saving money, more interested in relationships than intellectual pursuits, likes to fit in, very social, frequently second guesses self, phobic, suspicious, not careful, outgoing, vain, compassionate, aggressive, likes to make fun, hates to lose

CLEANING MODE ON!!!DASH!

Yesterday, i had this weird idea that i would clean my room...and so i did...BUT what i didn't expect is that, it would take me all day and all morning to fix it. XD
          
i never noticed how messy my room was. it's full of junk like empty hello panda boxes, pocky boxes and some random things that i pick up from somewhere...yep...I'm definitely a milder version of  asuza shiratori of ranma...

you know, the brown haired martial arts ice skater...NO. i don't do martial arts Ice skating manuevers [hell i dun even think that martial arts ice skating exists]. One thing she and I have in common is that whenever i see anything cute, i try to get it and own it. I said "a milder version" because i don't necessarily challenge people to a skating match [hell i can barely stand on ice!!what more, fight?] to get what i want.

and what's worse is that i name each and every one of them...and heck! i even give them genders...hehe

Anyways, my room is still a mess so i once again put my sign out the door saying "Hard hat area."

back to work for me... ^_^

 
 

TANAY TRIP!

NOTE: SUPPOSED september 11-12 ENTRY. due to laziness, this wasn't uploaded

hmm...AH.. the internet.. I missed it so much...being in the mountains was fun...but without internet....my world will never be complete. ah.. the smell of google! the breeze of yahoo! and the beautiful picturesque scenes from MMORPGs...ahh...the internet...

ON THE BUS WITH BITCHES

hmm.. how should i start the story...okay.. here it goes...

i didn't sleep the whole night cause i was up doing my brother's project and going on nonstop soundtrip {background music: takeshi's castle - kiko machine} while eating anything from the fridge. then, i played a bit of TS before leaving for school. I left the house late hoping that i'd get there late and the bus would leave me. unfortunately, the bus is still there...and i was able to get in before it left. *curses* the bus was full already so i had to sit in the middle seat...*more curses* how bothersome...i have to stand whenever people want to take a leak...or go out...what's worse is that one of the girls i dislike in particular is sitting by the window not far from me. (I thought she went to the TBS...maybe the lack of friends discouraged her to go...anyways, it didn't make me any happier to see her.) Good thing for me, one of the girls sitting beside me was sent out of the bus cause she didn't pay for the trip so i got to sit on a bus seat. Another Good thing, one of the members of Nippon Gai, Ice (A.K.A. yuki-chan) was there to save me. she sat beside me and we chatted along the way, making friends with 3P, who was the one sitting by the window [most of the time sleeping]

THE TRIP...

The trip started out okay...but when we got to the high parts of antipolo, the aircon broke down and gave most of the kikay bitches heat stroke and headache...well, me and Ice on the other hand, were enjoying the soundtrip of OPM songs hihihi [Playlist: Takeshi - kiko machine, Grounded ang Gf ko - rivermaya, onna noko otoko- yuko ogura, tsokolate - parokya ni edgar] we were singing all the way..haha!
 
we took a stop over.. the place looked kinda like a resort of some sort...so everyone went down to release the bulging water bombs..hehe...me, together with Ice and 3p went to buy some food...FUDGEEE!!!and sunkist...but before we left the place, we took some pics using 3p's phone..mine's lowbatt and ice didn't have any cam with her. back to the bus...it was hard to walk back since the path is steep... easy to go down...hard to go back...

THE GET OFF [action starts here]

 
 
we got there at about an hour and a half after we left. the bus parked and the place smelled like horse shit [ahh the stench of discovery!]. we took our time admiring the view and then we got our seedlings and got into the jeeps that would carry us down the mountain, where the bus can't take us since the road is too steep, rocky and narrow. so we went down and planted our little cute seedlings. [I named mine, rudolph..hihihi] 3p took pictures of brownie, rudolph and treeP [our seedlings hihihi] just when we thought, everything was already over, we were asked to get in the jeep again to descend to the barangay below the mountain. we got there and ate lunch in their basketball court...actually, we [Ice, 3p and I] ate in the jeep.. the rest ate in the court...

THE TRAIL

after filling our tummy with the lunch they provided, we were all rounded up to line up and head for the river.
hmm... sofar the smell f horse dung is really inviting...the first part of the trip required less effort but as we progressed to the rice fields, the mud was starting to get irritatingly...umm.. muddy...and our schoolmates are making it worse by screaming out (in a malandi tone with mocking facial expressions) "ewwww... yucky....", "ik! ewww.. mud!" or "Kadiri naman dito...ewwww"

[this is excluding the fact that sir mo and kuya jun are teasing me]

TEH RIVAH
     
 so, we finally got to the river side...it was rocky...[not tessa's kareshi] more like pebbly...cause it's full of pebbles... lots of pebbles to choose from. Yukichan and I couldn't resist the call of the water. So, after folding our pants up to an inch below our knee, we stepped right into the water in our slippers. there were two huge boulders in the middle of the river where most of us sit to avoid getting wet. Since the water is unbelievably warm and UNSALTY like that of the sea, we couldn't help but wet ourselves. Sure we don't have any change of clothes but hey, at least we get to commune with nature.. hehe [insert other random excuses here]. after an hour/ half an hour of playing in the water, everyone was called back to line up to go back to the court, where our jeeps are waiting to take us back to where we left our buses.

BACK TO TEH TRAIL

so, back to the [qouting some random kikay bi-atch while impersonating her with a funny face] "EWWW...YUCKY!" trail. Yuki chan, trippy and I were some of the last few students to leave. we let the kikay's go first so we can enjoy the scene without the kikay rans and complaints. sure, the smell of horse dung isn't that pleasing but hey, it's still nature...and we're dripping wet from river water. we made a short trip to the nearest sari sari stores hoping to find some tripple A batteries for Yukichan's mp3 player but sadly, they don't sell batteries.

BACK TO THE COURT

well, since all we had then were xtra shirts, yukichan and I only change our tops in one of the Huts. After changing, we left our stuff in the jeep and went to buy some pomelo fruits. by the time we got back to the jeep we rode before, we were surprised to see that it was full. SOme girls from the other jeep didn't want to transfer saying that they were there first. it was pretty irritating cause we all know that they don't beling to that jeep yet they're insisting that they do. so result was, some of the original passengers of that jeep had to transfer to another one. we also wanted to move to the other jeep but we ended up sitting in the same jeep with the Arsehole Bi-atches who wouldn't budge. If that wasn't enough, they had to talk sh*t and insult us, saying that they didn't go to the river and they had to wait so it's only right for them to stay in whichever jeep they want to. I mean, for crying out loud! It wasn't our fault if they want to be spoiled bitches and stay behind. we didn't tell them to stay either. I even heard one of them saying "Basagin ko salamin nya eh..." something pointed directly at me, who's the only one with glasses at that time. We just ignored their remarks but i have to admit that their rants and remarks were really getting into my nerves. The trip back to the bus area was hell.. thanks to them. i was actually praying that they were in a different bus but it ended up that, AGAIN, we must stay with them in the same bus... Trippy, yukichan and I were obviously wasted by that time...but the irritation was keeping us awake. Thank Gawd they didn't seat near us...i would have to endure another HELL going home. it was already HELL staying in the same bus as LG...

MY GET OFF

since the bus will pass by an area near my house, i asked our prof if i can go down when we pass by Masinag Market. He openly said yes and I stood up in the aisle to prepare myself. Then, a stupid Tricycle driver just poofed out of nowhere infront of the bus. so the bus driver had to hit the break and sent me flying afront. i caused some bruises that i had to endure on the way home.

*sigh* i finally finished writing it... geez...that took long...hehe

ASS WIPE!

don't worry i'm not mad at you A**wipe...you're friggin free to tell everyone what i told you and wat the heck! you even added more???how worse can you get...and thanks for breaking my F**king trust by the way...I'll try to lessen the hell that i'm gonna give you...Bi-atch! You just ruined my friendship with someone and i swear, by far, you're gonna pay for it dearly...slowly, painfully and surely...

ahh... you're really a loud mouth tactless bi-atch...

thanks for being one...

keep it that way so you don't have to be so bitter all the time...

I betcha it makes you feel a lot better now...ne?

^_^ awww... i'm glad fer ya...go ahead...it's alright...you can tell everyone in your friend's list also...I'm encouraging you to...come on...you know you want to...anyways, you'd still do it even without encouragement...

tsk tsk tsk...bitter...bitter...bitter...

I'm happy that you get pleasure out of this...it makes you stand out from the normal everyday bi-atches...makes people wanna listen to you.. doesn't that make you feel oh...so great?

i'll even give you the password to my friendster, LJ and yahoomail so that you can get more pleasure from destroying my relationships with my friends...cause you just can't keep your trap shut. ^_^ feel free to insult me...you know you want to...^_^ i actually find it sweet that you take time away just to do that... for little ole me...

well, thanks...

you've done a great job...

i salute you...

smile....

you should be happy...not bitter...

^_^

you know who you are...and for the benefit of those who wish for the safety of ignorance, i will not put your name here...

makes me love you even more...

take care...chao...

hmm.. what else... there's something lacking...ahh...


A**wipe Bi-ATCH!

ahh.. sounds better

[P.S. i love you so much that i'm putting this post on public view so that everyone will know that you pissed me off somehow so you can brag about it...^_^]





I even put this picture up fer ya.. enjoy ^_^

test Overload!

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Your Candy Heart Says "Marry Me"

For you, love is serious business. You don't take dating lightly. And even if you haven't met the right person, getting married is something you expect to do soon. You Are More Mild Than Wild You're confident, and you really aren't concerned with how "hot" you are. Other people's ideas of what's sexy don't concern you. And this is exactly what makes you attractive. Are You Hot? Your Dosha is Pitta You have a quick mind, a gift for persuasion, and a sharp sense of humor. You have both the drive and people skills to be a very successful leader. Argumentative and a bit stubborn, you have been known to be a little too set in your ways. But while you may be biased toward your own point of view, you are always honest, fair, and ethical. With friends: You are outgoing and open to anyone who might want to talk to you In love: You are picky but passionate To achieve more balance: Be less judgmental of those around you, and take cool walks in the moonlight. What's Your Dosha? You Will Die at Age 67 You're pretty average when it comes to how you live... And how you'll die as well. What Age Will You Die? You Are 17 Years Old Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax. What Age Do You Act? You Have a Sanguine Temperament You are an optimistic person who is easily content. You enjoy casual, light tasks - never wanting to delve too deep into anything. A bit fickle, it's easy for you to change plans or paths when presented with something better. You enjoy all of the great things life has to offer - food, friends, and fun. A great talker, you can keep the conversation going for hours. You are optimistic and sure of your success. If you fail, you don't worry about it too much. At your worst, you are vain. You are obsessed with your own attractiveness. A horrible flirt, you tend to jump into love affairs and relationship drama easily. You're very jealous - which just magnifies the craziness around you. What Temperment Are You? Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a romantic picnic in the park Your flirting style: subtle and calculating What turns you off: short term flings Why you're hot: you're a hopeless romantic with each new relationship

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

You Are 50% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird... But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

Your Love Element Is Fire

In love, you are a true listener and totally present. For you, love is all about feeling more alive than you've ever felt. You attract others with your joy and passion. Your flirting style is defined by your strong ability to communicate. Fun and play are the cornerstones of your love life. And while your flame may burn too brightly, it's part of your appeal. You connect best with: Wood Avoid: Water You and another Fire element: will likely burn out quickly

What Element Is Your Love?

Your IQ Is 105

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average Your Verbal Intelligence is Exceptional Your Mathematical Intelligence is Above Average Your General Knowledge is Average

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

Your Hidden Talent

You have the natural talent of rocking the boat, thwarting the system. And while this may not seem big, it can be. It's people like you who serve as the catalysts to major cultural changes. You're just a bit behind the scenes, so no one really notices.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You are calm and rational. You are also giving and kind - a great friend. You are easy going and trusting. However, you are too sensible to fall for mind games.

What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?

Sabaw

My mind is in sabaw state. I've been screaming random words and my statements rarely makes sense. The only thing i can retain in my head right now is not exactly a thought, but a feeling. I can envision a floating "love" pillow floating in the middle of a vast sea of liquid brain.

Back to normal and more determined...

Well, i talked to him last night and for some weird reason, my depression suddenly melted away. My heart pounded with his every word and i fell deeper for him. call me fickle but heck, if it means that i'd love him more, i'm glad to be called fickle.

i guess i can't bring myself to feel upset at him for too long...I guess i just felt depressed cause i thought he didn't love me anymore...

stupid me, i didn't even took time to see what his situation was. I feel guilty for i doubted him. after al the sacrifices he made for me, i had the nerve to doubt him...I'm so ashamed of myself...

I love him so much that i'm prepared to go through hell just to get to him. I want to be with him so bad...I want to make him feel how much i love him and how much i care for him. I want to be with him so bad...

I didn't expect LDR to be this hard...i want to be strong...and i will be stronger. I'll do everything i can to become a better person...to make him proud of me...

Hard habit to break

I hate myself for being too lovey lovey... I sound like crap...

But no matter how crappy I may sound, this is still my blog and I have the right to write any crap I want to write about any crap I want to write about...

you don't to read the post after this line...I'm not forcing you...So it's entirely your fault if you suddenly realize that it's a complete waste of time.

I feel like crap...I want to hit my head to the nearest and largest piece of metal contraption...I want to be ran over by a truck, train and bus...I feel so stupid...And I h=just want to die and disappear right now...

Am I still important to him? Why is everyone treating me like crap? Is it because I am one? Why do I give positive advises to people about life when I myself want to escape the reality that I am alive?

I've been crying for 7 hours straight now...Occasionally taking breaks when my eyes are drying out to drink fluids and cry again...

I finished a whole box of Kleenex an hour ago...And my trash bin is full of used tissues...

I don't care what my mom would say tomorrow when she sees how many tissues I wasted...I can't bring tissues with me when I die anyway...

I'm confused...Hurt...Paranoid...

what am I?

to my parents? To my Lola? To my friends? To him?

am I even worth something?

if I die, would it matter? Not like I'd care...

The time he spent with me seemed short and brief...He hated most things and I felt his bitterness towards the world. I adopted that bitterness in order to please him. TO somehow make him happy...Make him see that I'm here with him...Loving him. But I always end up hurting him even more...He is always furious about something...The way people talk...Act...Dress...Think...He's always complaining about something...

But through my whole lifetime, he's the first man I ever loved...Truly,,,whole heartedly...I gave myself to him like he owns me...Yes...I let him own me...No man has rights over me but him...I even found it hard to have friends...But heck! That's nothing compared to the things he sacrificed for me so who am I to complain...

I believe in him... I trust him with all my heart...

but why do I feel this way? I feel like I'm being duped? Is he getting tired of me? Would he have left me if it weren't for that suicidal incident? Does he still love me? Or it's just pity keeping him with me?

I have always disliked his dad for always getting in the way of our plans...Knowing that his dad's influence to him is a hell of a lot greater than mine, I'm slowly losing...The lack of physical proximity seems to be proportional to his closeness to me...

I don't think he;s even interested in anything I say anymore...He doesn't read my blog to see if I'm writing anything stupid...

He often forgets to listen to the songs I sent him the night before...

He stopped checking friendster to see if I have another testimonial for him...

I feel terrible...Cause he makes me feel like I'm keeping him trapped in the memory of his terrible past here in this country...Given the choice, he doesn't want to go back and see his old acquaintances for personal reasons...Only to see me again...But I seem to just remind him of all those things...I feel like I'm a burden...

I asked him a question..."Would you get mad at me if I break up with you tonight?"

he said "no"

it really hurt me to hear that... I really felt like crap...I started crying again...I can't believe I'm F**kin' crying again!FOR the NTH time! Stop crying CHEPOT! YOU CREEP! I wanted to hit my head...Hurt myself...Slash my wrist... But I couldn't...Just when I found my reason to live...It hurt me again...

FUJI...I just posted days ago that there's no such thing as a happy ending.. Stupid me forgot...Nobody ends up happy...Happiness is too good to be true...I talked to a good friend of mine during the time I spent crying...My friend comforted me and I am sow grateful that someone actually bothered to listen to what crap I'm gone say...

I used to just sit in the corner of my room, pull my legs close and cry myself until my tearducts gives up on me...

I had no one to talk to...Didn't trust people enough to actually care...

I want to go and hibernate.. Sleep for all eternity...I want to rid the world of another useless piece of trash...


Hard Habit to break By Chicago


I guess I thought you'd be here forever
Another illusion I chose to create
You don't know what ya got until its gone
And I found out just a little too late

I was acting as if you were lucky to have me
Doin you a favor I hardly knew you were there
But then you were gone and it was all wrong
Had no idea how much I cared

Chorus:
Now being without you
Takes a lot of getting used to
Should learn to live with it
But I dont want to
Living without you
Is all a big mistake
Instead of getting easier
Its the hardest thing to take
Im addicted to ya babe
Youre a hard habit to break

You found someone else you had every reason
You know I cant blame you for runnin to him
Two people together but living alone
I was spreading my love too thin

After all of these years
Im still tryin to shake it
Doin much better they say that it just takes time
But deep in the night its an endless flight
I cant get ya out of my mind

Chorus

2nd chorus:
Being without you
Takes a lot of getting used to
Should learn to live with it
I dont want to
Being without you
Is all a big mistake
Instead of getting any easier
Its the hardest thing to take
Im addicted to you
Youre a hard habit to break

You had a bad day

today, i woke up pretty early, I talked to my hubby this morning but our conversation seemed pretty dull to me...it's like it lacks something. I was in a bit of a hurry cause i don't want to be late for class. i made my way to school. i ran upon getting off in marikina to ride another jeep to katipunan. I almost tripped cause my shoes were too high. I got there almost in time but not quite...the teacher closed the door and AlAS! i was marked absent again in her class...

I went to the OLC to hang out with my friends from BA department. they're studying for an exam but since my head was in sabaw state, i kinda helped them forget everything they studied. after finishing my lipton iced tea bottle, i went to the cafeteria to grab some grub. I saw my co- Underground orgmates from Pajamas...we spent some time chatting ang gorging ourselves with food (mostly cheeselogs...)

After Darice (in pajamas) and Seyz left, maan and i went to find another place to hang out. since all the KUBOs are full we went to stay at the bench infront of the AVR rooms. there, we chatted for quite sometime about our lovelifes as well as the others...

I kinda miss these talk with my friends. it's been quite some time since i last socialized with other people aside from my boyfriend. i'm not saying that i don't enjoy the little chitchats that me and my bf used to share...It's just that, it's different with friends...i dunno how to explain, but it's somehow different.

Now that my friends are (mostly) mature individuals who share their lives with their special someones, i kind of see what will happen to us a few years from now when some of us get married. with work and family, it would be quite rare that we'd get to see each other...

Me on the otherhand, would have to wait longer than everyone else. My bf and i are planning to live together sometime in the future. we would only get married after we earn enough money to finance our needs without the assistance of our folks. We'll both be working our ass off. we're looking at the future with an idea of early retirement. We don't want to work forever, instead, we want to enjoy life to the fullest as early retirees...

"work now, enjoy later" he said


but somehow, i'm scared that a day may come and he'll forget about all the things we did...the exchange of our sweet nothings...the hugs, kisses and other body language we shared....the chemistry we had.

a number of people told me that what he did was selfish and what he is doing now, is a sign that he's preparing himself to love again...to look for another...eventhough i don't want to, i'm slowly losing grip on faith. I want to know how his feelings for me. what he is thinking...but i'm not sure if i could handle pain that well. i want to Live only because he wants me to live...i want to stay put and wait for him...do you think it's right if i stay here and wait for him? or should i leave and find my own destiny abroad?

cat in love...

"nyao..."

i miss our purr-fect moments together...this neko wants her panda...

i wish we could be together soon....

pplayer

flying back to me...

will this relationship last?

i am drowning in my own pool of thought. I'm thinking of so many things that could break us apart...our needs...our wants, preference, interests and feelings. it's only been 2 months since he left and yet i feel like it's been years since i last saw him. i miss the warmth of his hugs.

I feel so helpless, there were moments that i just want to disappear cause i can't even do anything to bring us closer to each other.

can i wait for him? do i have access to such an excessive amount of patience? do i posses the will power to stay faithful and love him with all my heart without proximity? or will i fail?

i really don't know...i'm scared to give in to any temptation that comes my way but how long will i be able to keep this up? how many times must fate challenge me?

i am not usually an optimistic person but...this time i'll make an exception...

this person is the most special person in my life and i wouldn't want to lose him...not to anything..not to anyone...

Totoo bang may happy ending?

Totoo bang may happy ending?

bakit ko naitanong? kasi hanggang ngayon, sabihin man ng marami na makitid ang utak ko, ay hindi pa ako nakakakita ng nilalang na nagkamit ng maalamat na happy ending na yan.

may namamatay ba talagang masaya? bukod siguro sa mga may tinatakasang utang, pero...hindi rin siguro sila masaya dahil matakasan man nila ang utang nila, mawawalay naman sila sa mga mahal nila sa buhay. maari rin siguro kung ang mga taong ito ay walang mahal sa buhay at galit sa mundo...pero...kung ganun nga yun, mas malungkot kasi walang maglilibing sa kanya..walang pupunta sa burol at ang masaklap pa ay walang magsasakla...waang kape at biskwit..

Meron nga kayang Happy ending?

madalas maririnig mo ang happy ending sa mga fairytales, kung saan saang vandal sa mga pampublikong palikuran o CR, mga pelikulang pangkomedya at mga kwentong pinauuso ng disney.

ang mga ito ay kadalasa'y kathang isip lamang...tulad na lang nina sharon at Gabby..pops at martin...brix at amy...lotlot at monching..barbie at ken...

hindi natin masasabi na meron ngang happy ending...

kasi...

hindi naman sila naging happy...

kaya maaga ang ending....

first ever...

undefined


so it goes...i am in love...and i know...




he asked me for the first time, to smile...genuinely giving me a push in the back and making me feel better. i felt like i deserved to be loved...he didn't ignore my pain..

no harsh words were uttered nor heard....

and now my heart sings of love and more love for only him...

i don't know how to describe the happiness...thank you...

don't read this ...its nothing but crap

i wonder at times why i lose myself. there's that chill on my shoulder that seems to take my mind off things and just let things happen only to feel bad when it goes wrong. it's like you're awake but you don't know what's happening until you realize that you're in a ton of mess. is that what they call mentally absent? why do people experience that? is it because of extreme emotional stress?





sometimes...my mind wanders to a place where i can lie down and notbe bothered by anyone but him...i want to break free from m cursed life and just stay in a vast oblivion of thoughts with the one i love...

but reality is cruel...so is fate...destiny...and everything that comes along with it...

up until now, i still don't get why everyone is fighting death...striving to survive...the only purpose of my existence now is my love and my grandmother...if it werent for them,the first oppurtunity i get, i'll to jump off a cliff or cut my wrist and bleed to death...

sure i dont like the idea of dying horrendously but, it's way better than living for nothing...

purpose? people say that we live for a purpose, we are instruments to make something happen. what if i don't like being an instrument? what if my purpose is nothing more than to cause irritation and annoyance to other people? is that something worth living for? sure! people say there's a brighter day but heck! i'm sick of waiting for that stinkin' brighter day...

we know for a fact that life is unfair but no one's doing anything about it....no one seems to care ...

we know that people are selfish...they do things for their own agendas..but everyone seems to be fine with that idea...

hay..why do i even bother asking? its not like it would matter to anyone...

okay...if you're done thinking that i'm just nothing but a piece of crap..you can now leave me alone and rid yourself of the burden that i am.

go ahead...i'll just get used to it

assessing everything that happened in my life for the past 18 years...

all i can say is that...even if i disappear, nothing will change...

i haven't exactly contributed anything for the world to cherish me...


I remember an incident last year during my freshmen development program...we had a visitor, she was a senior student from the psychology department. she asked everyone a question as an introduction to the lecture that she will conduct.

"how do you see yourself 10 years from now?" she asked

everyone's answers were mostly,

"Happily married..."

or

"Doing great and successful in my chosen career"

those kind of stuff...it wasn't exactly fun to answer the question so instead of being part of the class stereotype at that moment, i told her what first came into my mind.

"I died of some sort of sickness and pretty much everyone forgot about me and went on with their lives."

this made the psych student stare at me and ask why...i didn't have any answer for her to ponder since that's how i really felt...didn't know why..didn't know what for...it's just that...

i remember her taking me to the guidance office for counseling. I relayed my whole fucking life...but, like everyone else, no one still cared.

Why would they?

who am i?

the president?

the reincarnation of God?

to them, i am no one...they may look like they're listening but deep inside, they're thinking "why the fuck am i listening to this crap? i have my own issues, does anyone care?"

people are one and the same..no matter how they differentiate their personalities or proclaim their uniqueness, they're all a bunch of selfish a**holes. and i am not excluding myself from that matter.

one way or the other, people befriend others or stay with others because of their needs. it doesn't have to be always materialistic needs but these needs could take any form...sexual, mutual, physical...you name it...

once that person exhaust the other and he or she slowly realizes that the need for the person is no more, that person will slowly grow cold and start to detach from the other...

Being it that i have the power of autonomy over my decisions, i want to rid the world with one less scum and just disappear...but i made promises that forbids me to do so.

I often wonder if the world would be a lot better if i didn't exist...and it turns out that it'll be a happier place...

(I hate it when people fake their concern and ask me if i'm okay when deep inside, they really don't . its just because its ethical to ask someone when they rant or go morbid.)

Right now, Happiness seems so far away...i don't want to go after it anymore...if it doesn't want to stay with me, why should i force it to...i'll just get used to living without it...its a new experience...

what is happiness anyway? something you'll have for a limited time until you're flooded with problems again? calculating the ratio of happiness and all the negative feelings opposing it, i'd say that happiness only came as small waves in a vast ocean of problems, bitterness and all the negative feelings that go with it.

it's not exactly motivating to work hard and live knowing that you'll die eventually. and you'll get yourself hurt in many ways in the process...

what is the purpose of life anyway?

persevering on something that'll go to waste at the end of the day...

you'll work hard to have lots and lots of money but you'll die eventually and you can't take all the money you worked for with you...

you'll take care of your children but they'll eventually leave you get married and send you to a retirement home....

you'll study hard, graduate and end up as an unemployed bum

you'll love someone, get married, have children and the other dies leaving you old lonely and alone until you die...

sometimes i find death so appealing...

sure its escapism but it saves you a hell lot of trouble since you're gonna die anyway...

my stupid destorted logic...

i want to be alone...leave me alone...you don't care anyway...so stop pretending...


if you hate seeing me miserable, then don't look...if you hate hearing me cry, cover your ears, if you don't want to feel my bitterness....go ahead...think of happy thoughts and go one with you life like everyone else who would've forgotten me...10 years from now...

Updates on last night's dinner fest

So this is what happened yesterday. I left the office at 4:30 and started walking towards the train station.

on the way I met a lot of people who knew me....But doesn't mean trhat I know them. According to them they were a couple of schoolmates back in highschool who recognize me by face...(I didn't know I was that popular...eeeewww)anyways, so they were headed towards the shake stand and asked me to stay a while but I politely turned them down saying I have an important meeting (and besides I wouldn't give up a dinner fest for them).

outside the mall, where I converse to get to the trainstation, I was humming a tune of an upbeat Japanese song when some random dude sang the words...I was so surprised cause when I looked at him, he was smiling and he looked Japanese. I was totally creeped out so I started cantering towards the trainstation trying to avoid any conversation with the creepy random Japanese dude.

I got in the station and got a ticket. I always ride in one of the two front cars cause guys aren't allowed there. But there was this guy who argued with the guard because according to him, his girlfriend is gonna ride the 2nd car so shall he. And the guard, surprisingly, let him....(after a long discussion)

I arrived in cubao station and ran through a store full of toys...I was stalled by a salesman selling video games. I wanted to shove him but being it that I should be polite I told him to just get lost.

I hurried to the next train and rode til WCC, a hospital in anonas, cubao. There I met up with my parents, who told me that I looked harassed. Come to think of it, I think I did. My hair was a mess and I looked stressed with all the eyebags and stuff.

in the car, i tried to look my best by polishing my hair and wearing make up (something i rarely do...likeonce in a millenium). then we went to pick up some relatives and some non family members before going to the restaurant.

I thought that i was gonna meet up with chok, my childhood friend and his dad but we ended up meeting with my uncle and tita from florida who just came to visit from hongkong.

so there, we sat down and ate...of course, i ordered my favorite...Iced tea...

then i ate everything they put on top of the table...beef with broccoli, peking duck, fried rice, some random stuff i didn't dare to ask about....and almond jelly with fruit cocktail.

there were lots of people in the reto but i wasn't satisfied with the service. theywere a bit sloppy for a restaurant that charge a lot for a meal.

anyways, after that, we went to baywalk to...ummm...walk? we saw a lot of interesting stuff...and i never knew that it was a really hip place to hang out in...its just that.. it only opens at night and i have no time whatsoever to spend there...besides...it would be quite lonely to just stay there without your special someone...and it would feel a lot worse when you see other couples enjoying...

we didn't stay long...cause the parking charge is as expensive as my college plan...

DInneR! FooD FesT!

*sings* Lalalalalala

I'm wearing a pretty dress and silver high heeled foot wear because today, someone's gonna treat out our whole family (including some non family members) to dinner!

I'll tell you all the other details in my next post....but first, let's talk about feelings...

hmmm..err..ummm...okay...find my center...GO!


first up, i am really upset...well, since last night. everyday after working in the office, i go home and go online to unwind and look at some funny videos from you tube or just read some jokes off the internet to make me feel a bit better.

being far from your beloved is not actually easy to cope up with especially during the times when you realize that you are alone and you have absolutely no friends whom you can lean on.

anyways, back to the reason why i'm upset. I came home and found out that my internet connection which is hell a lot more expensive than what i can normally afford has been going loco. I couldnt go online...

"good thing they have a toll free hotline which i can use to call" I told myself. I grabbed my sister's phone and dialed. I was put on hold because there were no operators to attend to me so i waited...the music was soothing for the first 5 mins... but 30 MINS?!!! so i dialed again...and again....and again....

Finally, after the nth time. someone answered! its actually a human being with functioning braincells!...-_- and not some voice answering machine that actually sounds like our radio production professor.

anyways after trouble shooting, (which seemed like forever btw) she finally told me that those FU***N technicals are workin on the base whUtever server of theirs. AH!! i wanted to strangele her! but knowing that its not her fault that my connection s faulty, i decided to vent out my irritation and frustration in a more productive way. I drew tons and tons of drawings. I even made one that looked like my supervisor (kinda cute cuz she's holding a phone).

anyways, after that (messin' up my room with all my art stuff), I felt my eyes getting heavier...so i threw everything to the floor and lied flat on the bed and the ZZZzzzz started floating.

I woke up today to the sound of breaking egg shells and my mom's transistor radio. i turned on my laptop but the connection is still the same so i called customer care again and they asked me to the the same FU***N thing i did last night. Now, I have to wait for their techs to call and give me a service number...And then...only then can i get people to fix it for free!AHHH!*tears some of my hair off* this is really frustrating...if this happens again, i'll get a lawyer and sue smart!...but first i'm gonna read again the terms and conditions of the sevice.

The love in My HeaRT

Yeah yeah...I suppose none of the people I knew before knew that I can actually fall in love...Much more, to a living thing.

call me childish or whatever you want but being in love with inanimate creatures, or objects is a hobby for me. Everything from anime to a cute ponytail that I bought for a measly 5 buck deal is attractive to me.

why not humans? Well, I have this knack for liking cute stuff before (like is a pretty mild word to describe my obsession problem). I want to be the boss in the relationship. But knowing guys, it would be pretty difficult to find someone who'd tolerate me. (laughs)

it took quite sometime before I realized that something was lacking in my life. I just woke up one morning to find out that I was the only one not enjoying my love life...If I ever had one. Not that I'm envious or anything but my friends have all found their partners. Ones that they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with...I felt insecured. I started asking myself why I was the way I was (hmmm...Sounds redundant). I wanted to know what kind of guy did I want. ANd thus started my formulation for the perfect dream boy.

as I remember, I dreamt my dream guy as a mestizo chinito who has rosy cheeks and is not that tall...He doesn't have to be active in sports...But he should be patient, caring and he should be rolling in dough.

yeah...Every girl's dream...I didn't have a lot of sources so I couldn't be creative. Its like copying and pasting the idea. Whatever people think is good, is also good for me. hayz...Then I was sent to an all girls college...


"it just made it worse." I thought. How am I supposed to find a guy in an all girls school?!...Yeah and shortly after mentally shouting that, I saw guys in blue uniform walking inside the campus. "ting!" went my eyes...The experience was weird cause my eyes seem to have been somehow glued to them. I had a lot of questions running in my head like

"what the hell are they doing here?!"

"where the hell did they come from??!"

"what the fuck is that keychain!?"

"DAMN! Is that PuCCA!"

"That looks GAY!"

I found out later that right behind our school is an all boys highschool...Got disappointed cause i dont dig guys younger than me. I prefer guys 2 years older or huys of the same age.

yeah...And so my lonely days in that college started. it wasn't until i met a couple of friends that i got introduced to some guys from the surrounding colleges. I found them weird yet amusing and entertainingly fun to be with so i decided to have a relationship with the eldest member...everyone was happy for us. he introduced me to everyone so i had some new acquaintances which later turned into friends and then acquaintances again.

during those times, i met someone really neat. at first i didn't understand why the others warned me about him but anyways, i found him pretty okay. he was very caring and i like the way he address me as his "lady chepot." (laughs and giggles) yeah.. it makes me kilig to hear that...its probably the sweetest thing i ever heard in my life (then). it wasn't until later in our relationship that i realized why they were all afraid of him. (laughs) he is really a good boy but once he's pissed off, not even a running train could withstand his anger...(laughs) i experienced it first hand and now that we're apart, i kind of miss those times when he scolds me for doing something he didn't like.

we got together right after i broke up with the eldest in the group. i felt sorry cause i know i hurt his feelings but i didnt think the relationship would've lasted anyway. one, because i wasn't ready to commit myself and two, there are times that i find him ...(mildly putting it) intolerable...

Right now, I'm so full of love for my boyfriend whom i address as my husband. yesterday was our 1 year and 2 month's anniversary. And we are not planning to break up anytime soo...or ever. from what i see it, we both value our relationship...and we both put great effort to keep it as it is or make it better. (well, mostly, his great effort but i also try my best to do my part)

I have great faith in him. most people tell me its too early to tell if he's the one but i know i'm sure. i hold him dear to my heart and it would break me if he turns out to be for someone else.

Call me obsessed but i already gave him the right of property over me. As long as i have the right of decision, i want him and only him. no one else comes close...

sometimes dreams are ruined by reality but even if i have to defy destiny, fate or both...

:)

Way back in Highschool...(sounds like it was ages ago...sheesh) I was pretty famous in my school campus...some knew be by name and some knew me by face. I was known to be the youngest and cutest student back then..which of course I denied cause i know its just flattery. they often do that so you'd let them copy your notes. anyways, i let them copy with or without the flattery....

Going back, i was also famous for one irony. the whole school knew I hated being surrounded by tons and tons of books. Don't get me wrong but I grew up being surrounded by books. its just i found it boring after i finished my book collection back then. the Irony...is that even though i hated being surrounded by books, my daily record in the library is unmatched by any other person in the school but the librarian herself. I stay in the Library browing through the pages of each and every book. take note of the word browsing not reading...browsing

For some people who don't know me, it's weird. but my friends are pretty much aware of what i'm doing and they find it...ridiculous. yeah..come to think of it, it is ridiculous...

I may have problem with logic like Mt. croker from fairly odd parents but I guess that experience is still worth a few laughs.

You see, I tolerated all the embarassment and lack of romantic relationship due to my one true dream. I want to escape reality. I want to go to an alternate dimension. another world where I can be who i want to be...

The reason why i rummage through the library's contents is to find my ticket to that dream...The book of four Gods. I got that idea from an anime called Fushigi Yuugi where a girl was sucked in a book and fell in love with the man of her dreams.

I knew very well at my age then that happy endings aren't actually what happens to people in this reality...everyone ends up miserable and dead in a way or another but i thought that i don't need to end up the way they will. i want to escape that pull of reality and find that place where i will have my happy ending.

I know my reality is distorted...and I dont expect people to understand my twisted logic. I just don't mind sharing it bluntly because i'm sure everyone will just think its a big joke i made up to make em laugh.

During my quest to find that place...i met a lot of people who shared the same point of view with life but has a different opinion and course of action. they're more rational..predictable and rather mature.I slowly realized how impossible my dream was. I learned what escapism is...and i was told that it wasn't a very good alternative in facing life in general.

Thus, reality slapped me and woke me up. It was really depressing to lose one of the pieces of reality that I believed in. I took it hard and turned into a wasted souL... I had so many dreams and they all disappeared.

I am now Breathing....


After Devouring 5 pints of ice cream yesterday, talking to celine...my private psychiatrist/ very close friend, I took her advice and gathered enough courage to email my proffesor. She replied today. one of my loads was lightened when he gave me a solution to my problems about my OJT.

Now, i'm just torn. I am really saddened at the part that i'm not doing a good job as my boyfriend's significant other. I love him so much. and i would never think of leaving him. He's the sweetest man alive (in his own special way). but his jealousy sometimes makes me feel guilty. I am embarassed cause I am not that pretty for guys to go gaga over. and I am concerned because I don't know how to work things out between my friends and him....

I Love him so much...but I don't know how to tell him that I also need friends. especially when i'm depressed...and he can't help. unlike him, i can't stand alone...One of the things I admire about him...he's very strong...mentally and physically...

Hollow

I waited for the call from that company but it never came.

I hate being too optimistic about things...I'll just revert back to my old pessimistic self. I've already finished 5 pints of rocky road ice cream out of extreme depression. and what's worse, i'm not even satisfied.But I can't eat ice cream forever....

For the Love of all things great...can anyone tell me why no one seems to want me?

I work hard...I am very creative...I love challenges...I am very cheerful and I try to look as promising as possible.

Is it the lack of contacts? the absence of a landline number? Inside contacts? I'm not pretty? I look like a highschool student?

I can't help but feel miserable. I have been thinking about it eversince the first company I applied in didn't call. I was really hoping i'd get that job but I didn't.

A weird gut feeling told me that none of the next companies would hire me also. It's like I'm cursed! Or someone who really dislikes me blacklisted me...or its karma for some bad stuff i did in the past like jaywalking or littering...It's three times the payback! I'm beginning to feel paranoid. what if i dont finish My OJT? will my family disown me? will everyone I know turn their backs on me because i'm such a disgrace?

I don't get it...why is the world unfair?

Here I am, applying for any job I can find while others didn't even break a sweat and they're enjoying the work. I have long dreamt of working in an OJT. Back in highschool I used to tell my friends that I want to work in a company that would actually teach me something and not make me do stuff that the janitress or janitor wouldn't bother to do.

I guess this is just another challenge no matter how hard this is, I have to try and finish it. I want to graduate next summer so I can finally leave the country nd work abroad.

Depression sets in

Today I woke up groggy and with an aching head....

I never knew you can have a hang over without actually drinking.

I woke up wanting to destroy this fucked up world!

Kill all the fucked up people in it!

and rest for all eternity!~

but as much as I want to do those things, being the human that I am, forbids me to do so.

Hindi ko alam kung san na ko pupunta parang sa loob ng isang iglap nawala ang direksyon ko sa buhay. para akong mababaliw at mawawala sa katinuan dahil sa kumakalat na katahimikan sa loob ng aking pagkatao...

dati hindi naman ako ganito...kahit may problema kinakaya ko...bakit parang naging mahina ako? ganito ba talaga dapat? sino na ba ako ngayon? pati mga kaibigan kong dati'y mahal na mahal ako, sinaabing hindi na nila ako kilala. gaano na ba kalaki ang pagbabago ko? sino ba ko noon at sino ba ako ngayon? kaninong sagot ako dapat maniwala?

I dentity crisis na ba ito?

kung mawawala ba ako'y may maghahanap ba sa kin? may malulungkot ba? Isa lang yata xa...

sana hindi na ako magtagal kung magpapatuloy ng ganito ang buhay ko. pabigat lang ako sa lahat ng tao.

depressed...

yan ako..

nababaliw...

yan ako...

sa iba'y isang malaking biro pero sa'kin seryoso...

marami kang karamay sa kaligayahan pero sa kalungkutan nagiisa ka...

natatakot magsabi ng nararamdaman dahil walang makakaintindi

natatakot magtiwala dahil pinagtataksilan

natatakot mabuhay dahil takot masaktan...

sa tuwing ako'y masasaktan walang dadamay...walang makikialam...

totoong sa buhay nagiisa ka lang..

pinanganak kang magisa...

mamamatay kang magisa...

masayang may minamahal...

masaya rin ang minamahal...

pero tulad ng pera at mga makamundong pagnanasa...

ang pagibig ba'y sa kabilang buhay ay madadala?

meron na bang nakabalik at napatunayan yon?

tama nga ba ang baguhin ang sarili para sa iba?

ang kalimutan ang sariling kagustuhan para mapasaya siya?

maraming tanong sa aking isipan...

mga pangakong binitiwan

mga pagkabigong iniyakan...

malaking kawalan...

meron kayang makaririnig...

sana ang aking pagibig...

This day is pretty okay.

For the first time, I experienced a job interview that made me feel great.

I went to ortigas today and had my job interview. Akala ko nga kakapressure kasi the guy from the company who called me sounded pretty good with english so I thought, heto na naman big shot company na masusungit ang HR. but boy was I wrong. I went to the place wearing corporate attire with my resume and my sister, and waited for like an hour for the office to open. I met the guy who called me, medyo katakot kasi akala ko masungit pero okay naman pala siya. he even offered me coffee. kaso I don't drink coffee siguro tubig nalang sana kasi hiya ako.

anyways, nung dumating yung HR, si Ms. Kaye, dun ko nalaman na yung naginterview pala sakin nung una, e OJT din pala. haha..alam ko nakakatawa.para akong napagtripan. pero okay lang.


I really enjoyed the whole interview. feeling ko nga nagbonding kagad kami hi Ms. kaye. napakasweet at mabait. Lalo na nung tinatanong niya ako. hindi siya nakakaintimidate and I think she's a very efficient people person.

Sana pray ko matanggap ako sa job na to so I can start working pronto. kaso bukas pa ang starstruck moment ko. bukas pa ang moment of truth. bukas pa ko tatawagan to see if I made the cut or not.

please pray for me....

Today, I'm stuck doing nothing at home. sure it might sound fun for people who are over worked and stressed but its not as easy as it looks.