go ahead...i'll just get used to it

assessing everything that happened in my life for the past 18 years...

all i can say is that...even if i disappear, nothing will change...

i haven't exactly contributed anything for the world to cherish me...


I remember an incident last year during my freshmen development program...we had a visitor, she was a senior student from the psychology department. she asked everyone a question as an introduction to the lecture that she will conduct.

"how do you see yourself 10 years from now?" she asked

everyone's answers were mostly,

"Happily married..."

or

"Doing great and successful in my chosen career"

those kind of stuff...it wasn't exactly fun to answer the question so instead of being part of the class stereotype at that moment, i told her what first came into my mind.

"I died of some sort of sickness and pretty much everyone forgot about me and went on with their lives."

this made the psych student stare at me and ask why...i didn't have any answer for her to ponder since that's how i really felt...didn't know why..didn't know what for...it's just that...

i remember her taking me to the guidance office for counseling. I relayed my whole fucking life...but, like everyone else, no one still cared.

Why would they?

who am i?

the president?

the reincarnation of God?

to them, i am no one...they may look like they're listening but deep inside, they're thinking "why the fuck am i listening to this crap? i have my own issues, does anyone care?"

people are one and the same..no matter how they differentiate their personalities or proclaim their uniqueness, they're all a bunch of selfish a**holes. and i am not excluding myself from that matter.

one way or the other, people befriend others or stay with others because of their needs. it doesn't have to be always materialistic needs but these needs could take any form...sexual, mutual, physical...you name it...

once that person exhaust the other and he or she slowly realizes that the need for the person is no more, that person will slowly grow cold and start to detach from the other...

Being it that i have the power of autonomy over my decisions, i want to rid the world with one less scum and just disappear...but i made promises that forbids me to do so.

I often wonder if the world would be a lot better if i didn't exist...and it turns out that it'll be a happier place...

(I hate it when people fake their concern and ask me if i'm okay when deep inside, they really don't . its just because its ethical to ask someone when they rant or go morbid.)

Right now, Happiness seems so far away...i don't want to go after it anymore...if it doesn't want to stay with me, why should i force it to...i'll just get used to living without it...its a new experience...

what is happiness anyway? something you'll have for a limited time until you're flooded with problems again? calculating the ratio of happiness and all the negative feelings opposing it, i'd say that happiness only came as small waves in a vast ocean of problems, bitterness and all the negative feelings that go with it.

it's not exactly motivating to work hard and live knowing that you'll die eventually. and you'll get yourself hurt in many ways in the process...

what is the purpose of life anyway?

persevering on something that'll go to waste at the end of the day...

you'll work hard to have lots and lots of money but you'll die eventually and you can't take all the money you worked for with you...

you'll take care of your children but they'll eventually leave you get married and send you to a retirement home....

you'll study hard, graduate and end up as an unemployed bum

you'll love someone, get married, have children and the other dies leaving you old lonely and alone until you die...

sometimes i find death so appealing...

sure its escapism but it saves you a hell lot of trouble since you're gonna die anyway...

my stupid destorted logic...

i want to be alone...leave me alone...you don't care anyway...so stop pretending...


if you hate seeing me miserable, then don't look...if you hate hearing me cry, cover your ears, if you don't want to feel my bitterness....go ahead...think of happy thoughts and go one with you life like everyone else who would've forgotten me...10 years from now...