Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Hard habit to break

I hate myself for being too lovey lovey... I sound like crap...

But no matter how crappy I may sound, this is still my blog and I have the right to write any crap I want to write about any crap I want to write about...

you don't to read the post after this line...I'm not forcing you...So it's entirely your fault if you suddenly realize that it's a complete waste of time.

I feel like crap...I want to hit my head to the nearest and largest piece of metal contraption...I want to be ran over by a truck, train and bus...I feel so stupid...And I h=just want to die and disappear right now...

Am I still important to him? Why is everyone treating me like crap? Is it because I am one? Why do I give positive advises to people about life when I myself want to escape the reality that I am alive?

I've been crying for 7 hours straight now...Occasionally taking breaks when my eyes are drying out to drink fluids and cry again...

I finished a whole box of Kleenex an hour ago...And my trash bin is full of used tissues...

I don't care what my mom would say tomorrow when she sees how many tissues I wasted...I can't bring tissues with me when I die anyway...

I'm confused...Hurt...Paranoid...

what am I?

to my parents? To my Lola? To my friends? To him?

am I even worth something?

if I die, would it matter? Not like I'd care...

The time he spent with me seemed short and brief...He hated most things and I felt his bitterness towards the world. I adopted that bitterness in order to please him. TO somehow make him happy...Make him see that I'm here with him...Loving him. But I always end up hurting him even more...He is always furious about something...The way people talk...Act...Dress...Think...He's always complaining about something...

But through my whole lifetime, he's the first man I ever loved...Truly,,,whole heartedly...I gave myself to him like he owns me...Yes...I let him own me...No man has rights over me but him...I even found it hard to have friends...But heck! That's nothing compared to the things he sacrificed for me so who am I to complain...

I believe in him... I trust him with all my heart...

but why do I feel this way? I feel like I'm being duped? Is he getting tired of me? Would he have left me if it weren't for that suicidal incident? Does he still love me? Or it's just pity keeping him with me?

I have always disliked his dad for always getting in the way of our plans...Knowing that his dad's influence to him is a hell of a lot greater than mine, I'm slowly losing...The lack of physical proximity seems to be proportional to his closeness to me...

I don't think he;s even interested in anything I say anymore...He doesn't read my blog to see if I'm writing anything stupid...

He often forgets to listen to the songs I sent him the night before...

He stopped checking friendster to see if I have another testimonial for him...

I feel terrible...Cause he makes me feel like I'm keeping him trapped in the memory of his terrible past here in this country...Given the choice, he doesn't want to go back and see his old acquaintances for personal reasons...Only to see me again...But I seem to just remind him of all those things...I feel like I'm a burden...

I asked him a question..."Would you get mad at me if I break up with you tonight?"

he said "no"

it really hurt me to hear that... I really felt like crap...I started crying again...I can't believe I'm F**kin' crying again!FOR the NTH time! Stop crying CHEPOT! YOU CREEP! I wanted to hit my head...Hurt myself...Slash my wrist... But I couldn't...Just when I found my reason to live...It hurt me again...

FUJI...I just posted days ago that there's no such thing as a happy ending.. Stupid me forgot...Nobody ends up happy...Happiness is too good to be true...I talked to a good friend of mine during the time I spent crying...My friend comforted me and I am sow grateful that someone actually bothered to listen to what crap I'm gone say...

I used to just sit in the corner of my room, pull my legs close and cry myself until my tearducts gives up on me...

I had no one to talk to...Didn't trust people enough to actually care...

I want to go and hibernate.. Sleep for all eternity...I want to rid the world of another useless piece of trash...

Hard Habit to break By Chicago

I guess I thought you'd be here forever
Another illusion I chose to create
You don't know what ya got until its gone
And I found out just a little too late

I was acting as if you were lucky to have me
Doin you a favor I hardly knew you were there
But then you were gone and it was all wrong
Had no idea how much I cared

Now being without you
Takes a lot of getting used to
Should learn to live with it
But I dont want to
Living without you
Is all a big mistake
Instead of getting easier
Its the hardest thing to take
Im addicted to ya babe
Youre a hard habit to break

You found someone else you had every reason
You know I cant blame you for runnin to him
Two people together but living alone
I was spreading my love too thin

After all of these years
Im still tryin to shake it
Doin much better they say that it just takes time
But deep in the night its an endless flight
I cant get ya out of my mind


2nd chorus:
Being without you
Takes a lot of getting used to
Should learn to live with it
I dont want to
Being without you
Is all a big mistake
Instead of getting any easier
Its the hardest thing to take
Im addicted to you
Youre a hard habit to break

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