Musings of the attic cat :3

It's been a month or so since I changed my relationship status in facebook. It didn't feel all that bad knowing that it was probably better off that way so we can still keep each other close.

I have to admit that I'm scared. After I realized that i'm alone again. Surrounded by a couple of good friends but at the end of the day, I'm alone. It's been hard not mention hid old nickname that i gave him. Actually it feels odd to call him by any other name.

It's been a month since I asked myself, "so what happens now?"

Up til now, I still don't have an answer.




Hey. It's been a while since I've written anything on any of my blogs. You know, I've never been a good writing nor considered writing as a passion but there are times that I really feel like writing how I feel. And this is probably one of those times.

A lot of things has happened to me in 2010 that I couldn't write or put into words. Some of them are just too awesome but most of them are just too painful. I've lost a lot of things in 2010 that paved way to a lot of big changes in my life. Some of these are mainly related to my career path, my family, my love, my friends and most of all, changes in myself.

In 2010, officially even before the year started, I know I've lost a good friend. I could say that she's gone bad like most of the people we know. At first I thought it was that. But later on, I realized that she hasn't she just sees life from a different perspective and decided to pursue it unlike any way the rest of us would have. My realization came after my decision to let our relationship just falter. To be honest, I think we both gave up on each other trying to drive the other into something we don't want. To be fair, I think what happened was for the best. And I think everyone else would agree to that.

In 2010, with a kind offer from a friend, I was able to pursue my dream of meeting my beloved again. It took a lot of work, and money. I burned a lot of my savings to get there but I did. Everything, from the visa application, interview, the hassle and the sleepless nights of figuring out where to get the rest of the money was made worth it when I stepped out of the airport to see that chubby gamer dude waiting for me with an imaginary 8-bit smile on his face. It'd be a lie to say that I am pretty ambivalent about it. Each moment I spend with him there brings me closer to the time that I'll have to part with him again. I felt that 2 weeks was too short to spend with the person I love most. So, the day I got on the plane to leave,I cried.

In 2010, I felt like I lost a father. Some of my close friends know what I've been going through with regards to my family status. And to those who know, they're probably aware why I'm the current breadwinner in the family. I have enough respect for my father not to get mad at him for it, so long as he lets my mother steer the family back to the right path. But late 2010, a revelation from my mom had me reach my boiling point. He already done enough damage to last me and my sibling's future. It's not totally irreparable and I'm aware that there are worse people out there but the thought that he'd do that to us was devastating and horribly disappointing.

It's not a secret from everyone that I'm a WoW player. 2010 marked my first year anniversary in WoW. I was able to get the yearly achievement and I felt accomplished. But that's not the only thing I got from the game. I found a best friend. And I'm quite thankful.

Smart bro decided that I should be away from the PC for a bit. With 80% of my time spent in front of the PC, playing games, working, studying and socializing in online networking sites (e.g. Plurk, facebook), I really need some time off from the net XD. So yeah… Smart bro *cough* (thisinnotapatheticattempttojustifysmartbro'ssuckyservice)

With nothing better to do on hot lazy summer afternoon, I decided it’s time to clean my room a bit. Replace some stuff and redecorate a bit, just the usual. Ate Gayle gave me a lot of Fushigi Yuugi and Samurai X mangas so I started with those. I arranged them neatly in a stack and moved some books to another shelf to make room for them. Now that I think about it, I acquired most of my books back in high school and college. Back then, I used to love reading and imagining stuff. In college, specifically in Miriam College, I met some professors that killed that part of me (“some professors” doesn’t mean ALL. Stop generalizing before you even begin). Since then, the number of books that I purchase every year, have depleted. And I’ve done myself wrong by not reading a lot of good books this past 4 years. It’s sad. I know.

After 15 minutes worth of bad flashbacks, I decided to move on to another stack of notebooks and books. I took them out of the shelf, piled them on top of each other and carried them to a spot where they will temporarily sit ‘til I figure out where to put them. In the process, something slipped and fell on the floor. In my effort to pick it up, I slipped and hit my head on the corner of the shelf. It didn’t bleed but I now have a huge bump to remind myself of the incident (Yes, it hurts).

It was my pretty pink diary that I got from the last day of my first semester in First Year College. The first entry was about my class president stalking me and our declamation event in Filipino Class under Mrs. Visco. There was also an entry about our teacher in Math who has a speech problem that he pronounces anything with “T” as “P.” It wasn’t a laughing matter though when he showed us our final exam and all of the questions didn’t have any Ts or Ps to make fun of. An entry also talked about politics for debate. Back then, politics was just a subject under Mr. Fulgar, discussed for the sake of grades. Now, Politics is in school, work, hobbies, family, friends, government…. “Everywhere.”

The following entries painted the picture of me being the student I used to be. It was an image I’d give anything to see myself in again. I was never late for any of my classes despite the 3 hour trip from Antipolo to Manila. I’ve always enjoyed the jeepney ride from Cubao to Morayta through Espanya at 5am in the morning. I would dread each storm that visited the city because I know it will send me home, swimming in flood water. I also remember that I’d rush down the stairs from the 7^th floor of EHB building after my last class of the day to catch f4 and Barbie Xu on TV in the canteen right outside the school. I’d spend 2 hours in the bookstore looking at cute erasers and artbooks while hiding from suitors. And I’d spend 1-2 hours in the comp shop fixing my Friendster layout to pass the time while waiting for my classmates’ emails for projects before going home. It was fun. I learned a lot and I enjoyed it.

Then a phone call came, from my grandmother, telling me to transfer schools. It was a sad day.

I skipped a few (a lot) pages and reached the last 4 entries in my diary. Of all the entries in my diary, these were the ones that mattered. It was about love, responsibility, realization, difficulties and learning. I don’t feel comfortable sharing the full details of the entries but to those who would understand what these words mean… they know what happened. (At least a large part of it)

“The great game”

I thought about things. And I felt embarrassed that I went through this, but at the same time, I’m glad that I did. It was a…a very unusual learning experience. Something I would guarantee to everyone, who knows, that I will never forget. I am thankful for the people involved in that event, one summer 5 years ago. It was, mentally, the craziest moment in my life. Coining my usual statement…. “I was young, it was summer.”

From that time, I can’t say that I’ve grown a lot. But then again, I don’t think I ever will (haha lame joke). But I am looking forward to a time when I can openly share that crazy experience to someone younger, laugh about it and say “It was crazy… but you see, I learned.”

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It's annoying that all these thoughts are just swimming in my head but I don't have the words to fish them out of the cesspool. I want to write about my feelings, my opinions, my plans, and my goals. But every time I start , I'd always end up stuck on the first sentence and just like fart, the thought dissipates into thin air, leaving no trace behind, except the foul smell saying that something was there before... and it stinks.


There are times when I feel absolutely ecstatic about something. And God knows how many times I'd attempt to write about it. But just like every time, I'd start sentence one, i'd end up erasing it. I'll start sentence one again, with a different format, add sentence two, and still end up erasing it. Just repeat the process 3 more times, and I'd eventually give up and find something else to do.


There'd also be times that I'd feel so down. Most of the time, my lack of self-esteem would push me to feel great depression and I'd open live journal to blog about the feeling. Hoping it would help me figure out my problem, I'll start writing again. An hour would pass and I'd still be writing sentence one. I don't know how to properly start expressing my thoughts. Its a giant ball of yarn and I can't find the tail end to pull out the first Idea. I guess I know what I want to say but I don't know where to start and how to follow it up.


I've no solution yet to this problem of mine. If you have, please feel free to share your ideas. >_<




I've been feeling tense since I got the news from my mom and a friend of hers, last week. I've been dreaming of going back to school after the first year I spent working and earning for the family. And the feeling intensified after I met raishiro's parents. I wanted to melt when his mom told me about something that I've been, sort of, avoiding these past years. It lead me to think back about that nightmare.


This afternoon, I went and faced the nightmare that's been haunting me. Initially, I thought the experience would be heart-breaking and emotionally draining. I've prepared my eyes for the gallons of tears that I might cry after the encounter and I've prepared the wee-bit self esteem left in me to be sucked out by the black hole they set up for every unfortunate soul who happen to enlist themselves in that institution.

I got there and it was the same institution, the same system, the same BS. It didn't change. But they got a nifty looking building out back.

During the 3 hours that I spent running requirements, I thought about every painful, heart-tearing experience I spent there. I still remember the number of times that fat bitch crushed my self esteem, lowered my morale, and lead me to believe that the only future I had was jumping off the rooftop to end my lowly miserable life. THAT, and the bad, overly priced cafeteria food.


Then comes the nice memories. Though few, they were all special to me. One of those, was the day I sat with 3 other crazy, bored and easily amused girls at the upper lanai to man a booth for a friends' org we didn't necessarily understand. It was the day we had a small group of people who had the same interest in anime and all those crazy japanese stuff. Yeah... that one.

From there, I learned that I wasn't the only crazy, bored and easily amused person in school.


After much reminiscing, I was able to get what I needed. My first step out of the institution, felt like my first step to freedom. I felt light, happy and a little high. I hopped on one foot towards the car, with my smile stretching from one ear to the other. It didn't hurt... (But then again, they know how to ruins dreams so I'll stop here. Things could still happen.)

I'm finally free from that nightmare. But it's not the only one haunting me... To free myself from the rest, will be the next step.






A big thanks to the people who inspired and pushed me to this decision. And a big thank you to my special someone for sticking with me through every sticky situation, and giving me a and a when I need it most.




I'm back in the ph, finally. After that almost 30 hour ordeal I went through, I am finally home. Nothing can replace the sweet sweet smell of the Phils in my heart. *kisses the ground*

Originally, I want to start my entry with the story of my ordeal that lead me to be a complete racist against Indians and mainland chinese people but I might end up saying things that I don't really mean in the process and get myself in to more trouble so let's just leave it at that. Its a tale to be told in some random moments with friends. Instead, let me start this entry with something else.

Okay...

I think I know the reason why I can't write anything on any of my blogs anymore.

You know how I always start my blog entries with things that usually leave me upset? Then I follow it up with something that would amuse me and probably some of my readers while reading about an experience that would usually leave people incredibly annoyed. But, ever since I got into a committed relationship, I started to slack in writing. Its not that I stopped having experiences that made me upset but because I finally found someone whom I can share them with.

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Name: Cheppie [ Neko-chan ]
Birthdate: 13th of April
School: Miriam College Far Eastern University
Location: Himitsu :PNot telling
Bloodtype: Type B

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