first ever...

undefined


so it goes...i am in love...and i know...




he asked me for the first time, to smile...genuinely giving me a push in the back and making me feel better. i felt like i deserved to be loved...he didn't ignore my pain..

no harsh words were uttered nor heard....

and now my heart sings of love and more love for only him...

i don't know how to describe the happiness...thank you...

don't read this ...its nothing but crap

i wonder at times why i lose myself. there's that chill on my shoulder that seems to take my mind off things and just let things happen only to feel bad when it goes wrong. it's like you're awake but you don't know what's happening until you realize that you're in a ton of mess. is that what they call mentally absent? why do people experience that? is it because of extreme emotional stress?





sometimes...my mind wanders to a place where i can lie down and notbe bothered by anyone but him...i want to break free from m cursed life and just stay in a vast oblivion of thoughts with the one i love...

but reality is cruel...so is fate...destiny...and everything that comes along with it...

up until now, i still don't get why everyone is fighting death...striving to survive...the only purpose of my existence now is my love and my grandmother...if it werent for them,the first oppurtunity i get, i'll to jump off a cliff or cut my wrist and bleed to death...

sure i dont like the idea of dying horrendously but, it's way better than living for nothing...

purpose? people say that we live for a purpose, we are instruments to make something happen. what if i don't like being an instrument? what if my purpose is nothing more than to cause irritation and annoyance to other people? is that something worth living for? sure! people say there's a brighter day but heck! i'm sick of waiting for that stinkin' brighter day...

we know for a fact that life is unfair but no one's doing anything about it....no one seems to care ...

we know that people are selfish...they do things for their own agendas..but everyone seems to be fine with that idea...

hay..why do i even bother asking? its not like it would matter to anyone...

okay...if you're done thinking that i'm just nothing but a piece of crap..you can now leave me alone and rid yourself of the burden that i am.

go ahead...i'll just get used to it

assessing everything that happened in my life for the past 18 years...

all i can say is that...even if i disappear, nothing will change...

i haven't exactly contributed anything for the world to cherish me...


I remember an incident last year during my freshmen development program...we had a visitor, she was a senior student from the psychology department. she asked everyone a question as an introduction to the lecture that she will conduct.

"how do you see yourself 10 years from now?" she asked

everyone's answers were mostly,

"Happily married..."

or

"Doing great and successful in my chosen career"

those kind of stuff...it wasn't exactly fun to answer the question so instead of being part of the class stereotype at that moment, i told her what first came into my mind.

"I died of some sort of sickness and pretty much everyone forgot about me and went on with their lives."

this made the psych student stare at me and ask why...i didn't have any answer for her to ponder since that's how i really felt...didn't know why..didn't know what for...it's just that...

i remember her taking me to the guidance office for counseling. I relayed my whole fucking life...but, like everyone else, no one still cared.

Why would they?

who am i?

the president?

the reincarnation of God?

to them, i am no one...they may look like they're listening but deep inside, they're thinking "why the fuck am i listening to this crap? i have my own issues, does anyone care?"

people are one and the same..no matter how they differentiate their personalities or proclaim their uniqueness, they're all a bunch of selfish a**holes. and i am not excluding myself from that matter.

one way or the other, people befriend others or stay with others because of their needs. it doesn't have to be always materialistic needs but these needs could take any form...sexual, mutual, physical...you name it...

once that person exhaust the other and he or she slowly realizes that the need for the person is no more, that person will slowly grow cold and start to detach from the other...

Being it that i have the power of autonomy over my decisions, i want to rid the world with one less scum and just disappear...but i made promises that forbids me to do so.

I often wonder if the world would be a lot better if i didn't exist...and it turns out that it'll be a happier place...

(I hate it when people fake their concern and ask me if i'm okay when deep inside, they really don't . its just because its ethical to ask someone when they rant or go morbid.)

Right now, Happiness seems so far away...i don't want to go after it anymore...if it doesn't want to stay with me, why should i force it to...i'll just get used to living without it...its a new experience...

what is happiness anyway? something you'll have for a limited time until you're flooded with problems again? calculating the ratio of happiness and all the negative feelings opposing it, i'd say that happiness only came as small waves in a vast ocean of problems, bitterness and all the negative feelings that go with it.

it's not exactly motivating to work hard and live knowing that you'll die eventually. and you'll get yourself hurt in many ways in the process...

what is the purpose of life anyway?

persevering on something that'll go to waste at the end of the day...

you'll work hard to have lots and lots of money but you'll die eventually and you can't take all the money you worked for with you...

you'll take care of your children but they'll eventually leave you get married and send you to a retirement home....

you'll study hard, graduate and end up as an unemployed bum

you'll love someone, get married, have children and the other dies leaving you old lonely and alone until you die...

sometimes i find death so appealing...

sure its escapism but it saves you a hell lot of trouble since you're gonna die anyway...

my stupid destorted logic...

i want to be alone...leave me alone...you don't care anyway...so stop pretending...


if you hate seeing me miserable, then don't look...if you hate hearing me cry, cover your ears, if you don't want to feel my bitterness....go ahead...think of happy thoughts and go one with you life like everyone else who would've forgotten me...10 years from now...

Updates on last night's dinner fest

So this is what happened yesterday. I left the office at 4:30 and started walking towards the train station.

on the way I met a lot of people who knew me....But doesn't mean trhat I know them. According to them they were a couple of schoolmates back in highschool who recognize me by face...(I didn't know I was that popular...eeeewww)anyways, so they were headed towards the shake stand and asked me to stay a while but I politely turned them down saying I have an important meeting (and besides I wouldn't give up a dinner fest for them).

outside the mall, where I converse to get to the trainstation, I was humming a tune of an upbeat Japanese song when some random dude sang the words...I was so surprised cause when I looked at him, he was smiling and he looked Japanese. I was totally creeped out so I started cantering towards the trainstation trying to avoid any conversation with the creepy random Japanese dude.

I got in the station and got a ticket. I always ride in one of the two front cars cause guys aren't allowed there. But there was this guy who argued with the guard because according to him, his girlfriend is gonna ride the 2nd car so shall he. And the guard, surprisingly, let him....(after a long discussion)

I arrived in cubao station and ran through a store full of toys...I was stalled by a salesman selling video games. I wanted to shove him but being it that I should be polite I told him to just get lost.

I hurried to the next train and rode til WCC, a hospital in anonas, cubao. There I met up with my parents, who told me that I looked harassed. Come to think of it, I think I did. My hair was a mess and I looked stressed with all the eyebags and stuff.

in the car, i tried to look my best by polishing my hair and wearing make up (something i rarely do...likeonce in a millenium). then we went to pick up some relatives and some non family members before going to the restaurant.

I thought that i was gonna meet up with chok, my childhood friend and his dad but we ended up meeting with my uncle and tita from florida who just came to visit from hongkong.

so there, we sat down and ate...of course, i ordered my favorite...Iced tea...

then i ate everything they put on top of the table...beef with broccoli, peking duck, fried rice, some random stuff i didn't dare to ask about....and almond jelly with fruit cocktail.

there were lots of people in the reto but i wasn't satisfied with the service. theywere a bit sloppy for a restaurant that charge a lot for a meal.

anyways, after that, we went to baywalk to...ummm...walk? we saw a lot of interesting stuff...and i never knew that it was a really hip place to hang out in...its just that.. it only opens at night and i have no time whatsoever to spend there...besides...it would be quite lonely to just stay there without your special someone...and it would feel a lot worse when you see other couples enjoying...

we didn't stay long...cause the parking charge is as expensive as my college plan...

DInneR! FooD FesT!

*sings* Lalalalalala

I'm wearing a pretty dress and silver high heeled foot wear because today, someone's gonna treat out our whole family (including some non family members) to dinner!

I'll tell you all the other details in my next post....but first, let's talk about feelings...

hmmm..err..ummm...okay...find my center...GO!


first up, i am really upset...well, since last night. everyday after working in the office, i go home and go online to unwind and look at some funny videos from you tube or just read some jokes off the internet to make me feel a bit better.

being far from your beloved is not actually easy to cope up with especially during the times when you realize that you are alone and you have absolutely no friends whom you can lean on.

anyways, back to the reason why i'm upset. I came home and found out that my internet connection which is hell a lot more expensive than what i can normally afford has been going loco. I couldnt go online...

"good thing they have a toll free hotline which i can use to call" I told myself. I grabbed my sister's phone and dialed. I was put on hold because there were no operators to attend to me so i waited...the music was soothing for the first 5 mins... but 30 MINS?!!! so i dialed again...and again....and again....

Finally, after the nth time. someone answered! its actually a human being with functioning braincells!...-_- and not some voice answering machine that actually sounds like our radio production professor.

anyways after trouble shooting, (which seemed like forever btw) she finally told me that those FU***N technicals are workin on the base whUtever server of theirs. AH!! i wanted to strangele her! but knowing that its not her fault that my connection s faulty, i decided to vent out my irritation and frustration in a more productive way. I drew tons and tons of drawings. I even made one that looked like my supervisor (kinda cute cuz she's holding a phone).

anyways, after that (messin' up my room with all my art stuff), I felt my eyes getting heavier...so i threw everything to the floor and lied flat on the bed and the ZZZzzzz started floating.

I woke up today to the sound of breaking egg shells and my mom's transistor radio. i turned on my laptop but the connection is still the same so i called customer care again and they asked me to the the same FU***N thing i did last night. Now, I have to wait for their techs to call and give me a service number...And then...only then can i get people to fix it for free!AHHH!*tears some of my hair off* this is really frustrating...if this happens again, i'll get a lawyer and sue smart!...but first i'm gonna read again the terms and conditions of the sevice.

The love in My HeaRT

Yeah yeah...I suppose none of the people I knew before knew that I can actually fall in love...Much more, to a living thing.

call me childish or whatever you want but being in love with inanimate creatures, or objects is a hobby for me. Everything from anime to a cute ponytail that I bought for a measly 5 buck deal is attractive to me.

why not humans? Well, I have this knack for liking cute stuff before (like is a pretty mild word to describe my obsession problem). I want to be the boss in the relationship. But knowing guys, it would be pretty difficult to find someone who'd tolerate me. (laughs)

it took quite sometime before I realized that something was lacking in my life. I just woke up one morning to find out that I was the only one not enjoying my love life...If I ever had one. Not that I'm envious or anything but my friends have all found their partners. Ones that they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with...I felt insecured. I started asking myself why I was the way I was (hmmm...Sounds redundant). I wanted to know what kind of guy did I want. ANd thus started my formulation for the perfect dream boy.

as I remember, I dreamt my dream guy as a mestizo chinito who has rosy cheeks and is not that tall...He doesn't have to be active in sports...But he should be patient, caring and he should be rolling in dough.

yeah...Every girl's dream...I didn't have a lot of sources so I couldn't be creative. Its like copying and pasting the idea. Whatever people think is good, is also good for me. hayz...Then I was sent to an all girls college...


"it just made it worse." I thought. How am I supposed to find a guy in an all girls school?!...Yeah and shortly after mentally shouting that, I saw guys in blue uniform walking inside the campus. "ting!" went my eyes...The experience was weird cause my eyes seem to have been somehow glued to them. I had a lot of questions running in my head like

"what the hell are they doing here?!"

"where the hell did they come from??!"

"what the fuck is that keychain!?"

"DAMN! Is that PuCCA!"

"That looks GAY!"

I found out later that right behind our school is an all boys highschool...Got disappointed cause i dont dig guys younger than me. I prefer guys 2 years older or huys of the same age.

yeah...And so my lonely days in that college started. it wasn't until i met a couple of friends that i got introduced to some guys from the surrounding colleges. I found them weird yet amusing and entertainingly fun to be with so i decided to have a relationship with the eldest member...everyone was happy for us. he introduced me to everyone so i had some new acquaintances which later turned into friends and then acquaintances again.

during those times, i met someone really neat. at first i didn't understand why the others warned me about him but anyways, i found him pretty okay. he was very caring and i like the way he address me as his "lady chepot." (laughs and giggles) yeah.. it makes me kilig to hear that...its probably the sweetest thing i ever heard in my life (then). it wasn't until later in our relationship that i realized why they were all afraid of him. (laughs) he is really a good boy but once he's pissed off, not even a running train could withstand his anger...(laughs) i experienced it first hand and now that we're apart, i kind of miss those times when he scolds me for doing something he didn't like.

we got together right after i broke up with the eldest in the group. i felt sorry cause i know i hurt his feelings but i didnt think the relationship would've lasted anyway. one, because i wasn't ready to commit myself and two, there are times that i find him ...(mildly putting it) intolerable...

Right now, I'm so full of love for my boyfriend whom i address as my husband. yesterday was our 1 year and 2 month's anniversary. And we are not planning to break up anytime soo...or ever. from what i see it, we both value our relationship...and we both put great effort to keep it as it is or make it better. (well, mostly, his great effort but i also try my best to do my part)

I have great faith in him. most people tell me its too early to tell if he's the one but i know i'm sure. i hold him dear to my heart and it would break me if he turns out to be for someone else.

Call me obsessed but i already gave him the right of property over me. As long as i have the right of decision, i want him and only him. no one else comes close...

sometimes dreams are ruined by reality but even if i have to defy destiny, fate or both...

:)

Way back in Highschool...(sounds like it was ages ago...sheesh) I was pretty famous in my school campus...some knew be by name and some knew me by face. I was known to be the youngest and cutest student back then..which of course I denied cause i know its just flattery. they often do that so you'd let them copy your notes. anyways, i let them copy with or without the flattery....

Going back, i was also famous for one irony. the whole school knew I hated being surrounded by tons and tons of books. Don't get me wrong but I grew up being surrounded by books. its just i found it boring after i finished my book collection back then. the Irony...is that even though i hated being surrounded by books, my daily record in the library is unmatched by any other person in the school but the librarian herself. I stay in the Library browing through the pages of each and every book. take note of the word browsing not reading...browsing

For some people who don't know me, it's weird. but my friends are pretty much aware of what i'm doing and they find it...ridiculous. yeah..come to think of it, it is ridiculous...

I may have problem with logic like Mt. croker from fairly odd parents but I guess that experience is still worth a few laughs.

You see, I tolerated all the embarassment and lack of romantic relationship due to my one true dream. I want to escape reality. I want to go to an alternate dimension. another world where I can be who i want to be...

The reason why i rummage through the library's contents is to find my ticket to that dream...The book of four Gods. I got that idea from an anime called Fushigi Yuugi where a girl was sucked in a book and fell in love with the man of her dreams.

I knew very well at my age then that happy endings aren't actually what happens to people in this reality...everyone ends up miserable and dead in a way or another but i thought that i don't need to end up the way they will. i want to escape that pull of reality and find that place where i will have my happy ending.

I know my reality is distorted...and I dont expect people to understand my twisted logic. I just don't mind sharing it bluntly because i'm sure everyone will just think its a big joke i made up to make em laugh.

During my quest to find that place...i met a lot of people who shared the same point of view with life but has a different opinion and course of action. they're more rational..predictable and rather mature.I slowly realized how impossible my dream was. I learned what escapism is...and i was told that it wasn't a very good alternative in facing life in general.

Thus, reality slapped me and woke me up. It was really depressing to lose one of the pieces of reality that I believed in. I took it hard and turned into a wasted souL... I had so many dreams and they all disappeared.

I am now Breathing....


After Devouring 5 pints of ice cream yesterday, talking to celine...my private psychiatrist/ very close friend, I took her advice and gathered enough courage to email my proffesor. She replied today. one of my loads was lightened when he gave me a solution to my problems about my OJT.

Now, i'm just torn. I am really saddened at the part that i'm not doing a good job as my boyfriend's significant other. I love him so much. and i would never think of leaving him. He's the sweetest man alive (in his own special way). but his jealousy sometimes makes me feel guilty. I am embarassed cause I am not that pretty for guys to go gaga over. and I am concerned because I don't know how to work things out between my friends and him....

I Love him so much...but I don't know how to tell him that I also need friends. especially when i'm depressed...and he can't help. unlike him, i can't stand alone...One of the things I admire about him...he's very strong...mentally and physically...

Hollow

I waited for the call from that company but it never came.

I hate being too optimistic about things...I'll just revert back to my old pessimistic self. I've already finished 5 pints of rocky road ice cream out of extreme depression. and what's worse, i'm not even satisfied.But I can't eat ice cream forever....

For the Love of all things great...can anyone tell me why no one seems to want me?

I work hard...I am very creative...I love challenges...I am very cheerful and I try to look as promising as possible.

Is it the lack of contacts? the absence of a landline number? Inside contacts? I'm not pretty? I look like a highschool student?

I can't help but feel miserable. I have been thinking about it eversince the first company I applied in didn't call. I was really hoping i'd get that job but I didn't.

A weird gut feeling told me that none of the next companies would hire me also. It's like I'm cursed! Or someone who really dislikes me blacklisted me...or its karma for some bad stuff i did in the past like jaywalking or littering...It's three times the payback! I'm beginning to feel paranoid. what if i dont finish My OJT? will my family disown me? will everyone I know turn their backs on me because i'm such a disgrace?

I don't get it...why is the world unfair?

Here I am, applying for any job I can find while others didn't even break a sweat and they're enjoying the work. I have long dreamt of working in an OJT. Back in highschool I used to tell my friends that I want to work in a company that would actually teach me something and not make me do stuff that the janitress or janitor wouldn't bother to do.

I guess this is just another challenge no matter how hard this is, I have to try and finish it. I want to graduate next summer so I can finally leave the country nd work abroad.

Depression sets in

Today I woke up groggy and with an aching head....

I never knew you can have a hang over without actually drinking.

I woke up wanting to destroy this fucked up world!

Kill all the fucked up people in it!

and rest for all eternity!~

but as much as I want to do those things, being the human that I am, forbids me to do so.

Hindi ko alam kung san na ko pupunta parang sa loob ng isang iglap nawala ang direksyon ko sa buhay. para akong mababaliw at mawawala sa katinuan dahil sa kumakalat na katahimikan sa loob ng aking pagkatao...

dati hindi naman ako ganito...kahit may problema kinakaya ko...bakit parang naging mahina ako? ganito ba talaga dapat? sino na ba ako ngayon? pati mga kaibigan kong dati'y mahal na mahal ako, sinaabing hindi na nila ako kilala. gaano na ba kalaki ang pagbabago ko? sino ba ko noon at sino ba ako ngayon? kaninong sagot ako dapat maniwala?

I dentity crisis na ba ito?

kung mawawala ba ako'y may maghahanap ba sa kin? may malulungkot ba? Isa lang yata xa...

sana hindi na ako magtagal kung magpapatuloy ng ganito ang buhay ko. pabigat lang ako sa lahat ng tao.

depressed...

yan ako..

nababaliw...

yan ako...

sa iba'y isang malaking biro pero sa'kin seryoso...

marami kang karamay sa kaligayahan pero sa kalungkutan nagiisa ka...

natatakot magsabi ng nararamdaman dahil walang makakaintindi

natatakot magtiwala dahil pinagtataksilan

natatakot mabuhay dahil takot masaktan...

sa tuwing ako'y masasaktan walang dadamay...walang makikialam...

totoong sa buhay nagiisa ka lang..

pinanganak kang magisa...

mamamatay kang magisa...

masayang may minamahal...

masaya rin ang minamahal...

pero tulad ng pera at mga makamundong pagnanasa...

ang pagibig ba'y sa kabilang buhay ay madadala?

meron na bang nakabalik at napatunayan yon?

tama nga ba ang baguhin ang sarili para sa iba?

ang kalimutan ang sariling kagustuhan para mapasaya siya?

maraming tanong sa aking isipan...

mga pangakong binitiwan

mga pagkabigong iniyakan...

malaking kawalan...

meron kayang makaririnig...

sana ang aking pagibig...

This day is pretty okay.

For the first time, I experienced a job interview that made me feel great.

I went to ortigas today and had my job interview. Akala ko nga kakapressure kasi the guy from the company who called me sounded pretty good with english so I thought, heto na naman big shot company na masusungit ang HR. but boy was I wrong. I went to the place wearing corporate attire with my resume and my sister, and waited for like an hour for the office to open. I met the guy who called me, medyo katakot kasi akala ko masungit pero okay naman pala siya. he even offered me coffee. kaso I don't drink coffee siguro tubig nalang sana kasi hiya ako.

anyways, nung dumating yung HR, si Ms. Kaye, dun ko nalaman na yung naginterview pala sakin nung una, e OJT din pala. haha..alam ko nakakatawa.para akong napagtripan. pero okay lang.


I really enjoyed the whole interview. feeling ko nga nagbonding kagad kami hi Ms. kaye. napakasweet at mabait. Lalo na nung tinatanong niya ako. hindi siya nakakaintimidate and I think she's a very efficient people person.

Sana pray ko matanggap ako sa job na to so I can start working pronto. kaso bukas pa ang starstruck moment ko. bukas pa ang moment of truth. bukas pa ko tatawagan to see if I made the cut or not.

please pray for me....