Monday, March 03, 2014

Last year

Oh hello Blog. It's been a while since we've had any contact. It was thanks to a few friends at work that I remembered that I had you. I figured that it's about time that we did some catching up so here's an entry.

"Sometimes we find ourselves in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes in the middle of nowhere... we find ourselves. "

I found this posted in a random timeline on facebook. It got my attention cause, for as long as I could remember, I have been telling myself to find me. Who am I? It's a question about my identity that I can't seem to answer. Or I may just not be trying hard enough.

With this, I would like to tell you a story about me while we've been separated. My experiences, the things I've learned, and how the same question about my identity haunts me to this day.

By the time of writing this entry, I am still at a loss for words on how to describe the swelling emptiness that I have created. Writing about emptiness isn't the goal here though so I will do my best to paint the best picture of how wonderful and bitter the whole story was so that we could both remember and preserve this emotion while I still have it.

After I've been separated from my partner from the US, I fell in love. I want to stop at that description and follow it up with a fact that I realized that I cannot truly love. Such irony, but yes, it depicts the truth.

I traveled to Singapore where I stayed for a few months. It was a beautiful country with the level of discipline that I cannot hope to find in mine and pride that goes along with it. It has it's own enchantment and it bewildered me. And in the lion city,Singapura , I started a new relationship with my best friend.

Initially, I had strengthened my resolve to not have a relationship with him for he was too precious and gentle, a complete opposite of how I live my life. But I appreciate the little wonders that he brought. I'd like to say that he was the sweetest man I've ever met.

Words would not do justice to describe how he took my heart. In the language of sweets, it was most delectable. He is the depiction of what every perfect man would be for a woman. A few of his whimsical charms is that he will surprise you with flowers on a day with no occasion, he will bring you what you are craving for after posting it on your facebook page, and the most important part of it all.... He will catch you in his arms when you're about trip or fall. He was everything anyone could ever ask for.

We made plans, a place of our own, a family, friends, a life we could have lived,  it was all too perfect, .

And then there was me. I felt like the relationship was the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me. I was drunk in the liquor of content and happiness of that moment, looking forward to everyday that we spent together.

And then one day, I looked into the mirror and saw a horrendous sight.

It was me, reluctant and unsure. I didn't notice that the time I spent being wooed and smothered by his undivided attention would result to what I have become. I've steadily gained weight and I've lost contact with people I usually hung out with. My self esteem was trampled by the compliments that he fed me of which, majority aren't to speak truth about me but to aim at flattery. And all of a sudden, I was scared. I was scared that he would change as I did. I was scared that it was all a lie and I would end up alone in the end. And this fear fed my heart continuously

I've started to close my heart and I've become cold and unfeeling. I wanted to protect myself as if it was an instinct, but one that I should have fought while I had the chance. Slowly, I felt so jaded that I couldn't even say "I love you" to him without meaning it until I stopped saying it altogether.

It was over the phone when he asked me if I still loved him. The moment I said I couldn't, felt like forever. In my head, his expression was of complete fraught silence. At that instance, I fell off the edge. Since June, I've been trying to escape. I wanted to move out and only see him once a week so I would feel the sense of longing. I want to need to see him again but come November, I woke up and I no longer feel love.

I've lost the feeling. Somewhere during that year, I felt like I dropped it somewhere I could not reach. I hopelessly searched for it and I was afraid he'd find out. In the end, I had to let go. I couldn't lie anymore. I couldn't say I'm feeling something I don't. And I've asked myself multiple times if I'm doing the right thing, but before I could even answer, there was an incessant ringing in my head telling me to let go.

And then his eyes, and then his face, and the look of pain on both gets to me. He wasn't happy but he's trying his best to be. I don't want that. I want him to experience the love he deserves and for one who isn't feeling it, I don't deserve that spot in his heart. As do most parts of a whole, when one is not functioning as it is intended, it should be removed and replaced. I felt like I was that malfunctioning part. I was the one not making it work. So I removed myself.

An afternoon with him, I discarded all of my emotions and humanity and told him I wanted to end it. Up til today, I die every time I would close my eyes and imagine the moment he heard that I wanted to break up. It must have felt like a thousand spears to the heart.

We met again once after that but the succeeding meetings never happened. I understood that friends, family and people around him are probably telling him to let me go. And I would have sided with them. I deserve none of his love, his fondness and care. It would be best spent on a woman fit to love him and will cherish him for who he is.

I tried to drown myself in work and condition myself to be alone as I felt like I deserve to be. And then, I met a friend. An old friend, an acquaintance who consoled me and made me feel that I did the right thing. He confessed his feelings for me at a later time, and he won my friends overs at work and tried to get to me, overcoming boundaries and limits in our company. It was overwhelming and I thought it was sweet.

Not long after, we got into a relationship but I couldn't help feeling that it was odd. I decided to try it out to maybe see if I can feel again but as the relationship deepens, I found out how broken we both were and how this was not going to work out.

The first red flag was when he sent an email to my bestfriend, the one I just ended a relationship with. You see, my best friend has been sending me emails and though I've read them, I've been avoiding responding as I am still unsure of what to say and how to say it. One day, He sent me a forwarded message. I read it and it brought me to tears. He received an email from the guy I just had started a relationship with, and the contents was just unbearable. I know his aim was to make my best friend understand that we're venturing on to a new relationship. But the act itself was just a dick move. I read the email and it was an ego strokingly vacuous attempt to redeem his position as victor of some contest.

 I cried so hard when I read what followed. It was a message from my best friend saying how he loathes me and how he has lost respect for me. I tried to keep my composure in front of all my friends as I was at work but there came a point where I had to be excused and I cried in a cubicle stall in the toilet. It was unbearable. Up 'til now, I still can't comprehend why he had to go out of his way to do that.

This sparked a long argument and I almost broke up with him. In my head, I thought that I've never met a person who could go so low until I met him. I don't know how but I was somehow convinced that things happen for a reason and maybe this happened so my best friend could move on and find someone more worthy of his love. It was a frail attempt to justify the act and I lived with it, though still defiant about it inside.

After that, I stopped following my bestfriend. I figured it would hurt to keep reading on his updates and stories from a few common friends he didn't know about. I wished him happiness and true love... And then I let go.

I carried on with my life with the new person. It didn't take long before I felt like I needed to let go again. To begin with, it wasn't made to last, but I wanted to try. He represented everything I loathe from a person. And much to my fear, he was exactly like my father.

It was a tiring night when it happened. After talking to his parents, we wrestled through 4 hours of persuasion about why I need to stay and why I am leaving. I've taken precautions and prepared everything for my departure so there should be nothing holding me back except for him, literally pinning me to the wall and the kitchen counter and preventing me from getting to the door. Out of all my relationships, this has been the most physical I've ever gotten. By the time I got home, the first people to greet me were my mom and my brother who were both relieved that I am back home and safe.

After the break-up, I swore I would never be in another relationship again. I don't feel like I belong in one. I don't feel like I deserve one. I'm better off alone. That way, I get to live my life the way I want to and I won't be hurting anyone. It's saving another person from pain.

I am happy now though. I can go out whenever I feel like it. I can hang out with friends. But there's still this empty feeling that bothers me. And it would all go back to that day when I received an email from my best friend. I want to apologize to him for not being able to respond. I kind of want to let him know that I stood up for him somehow. I wanted to make him understand that I didn't really abandon him, that I was always watching and being happy for him that he's doing so much better that I was gone.

Last February, I wanted greet him for his birthday but I didn't feel it was appropriate. I felt that a message from me might ruin, what could have been an awesome day for him and his friends. It's like how you would throw a stone to a quiet pond. The water is clear but as soon as the stone hits the surface, the ripples appear and disrupts the image and as soon as the stone hits the bottom it will cloud the water with earth.

He has established the feeling that he hates me, probably. He has built relationships and friends who would hate me unitedly. A message from me might just ruin that.

I celebrated it alone with Midori instead. At least silently, we would have shared our piece of happiness with him in spirit.

Happy Birthday Daddy Bear - Midori

I want to talk to him again to clear things up but I don't quite know where to start and how to say it. I figured it would be best to talk to him once I could answer my own questions about me. That way, whatever the outcome may be, I would regret nothing.

Everyday, I wallow in the despair of my own creation. Remembering it, is painful enough but re-writing it, is just torture. But I want you to know how it felt. I want to be able to read this blog in the future and feel exactly the same feeling.

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