Sunday, March 16, 2014

Dreams of apocalyptic desires

"When someone appears in your dreams like that, it's because that other person's desire to see you leaves their body and comes out flying into your dreams" - Honey And Clover

Lately, I've been having more and more dreams with him in it. They were mostly reminiscent and there were a few where it felt like I was chasing him or he would just stand there.

I've always believed that dreams are fueled by our desires. So as much as I would wish that it was him, missing me, but I think it was really me doing all the missing.

Since I'm already in the topic of missing, maybe if it will help me if I unload some things.

What do I remember and miss about him? I can never list everything but I think I can list the few that would send me flying back in time and tear up, reliving the moments in my head.

The first of the many things I miss about him is his "Hm?" with a half nod. This would usually happen when I am saying something or telling him a story. I remember, we were walking to the jeepney stop in Pateros and I was telling him a story about work or a friend, he turned to me and said "Hm?" with a half nod. Irritated, thinking it was a notion that he didn't understand, I ended up repeating everything I said. My tone was different and he knew this. He chuckled and asked "Bakit mo inulit yung sinabi mo?" with a smile. It was here that he explained that his expression was confirmation that he understood. It was funny cause prior to that day, I kept repeating everything when he does this. I miss it...

I miss his eyes that sparkle when he is introduced to something new. He would excitedly ask questions and express his desire to try it out. The child-like wonder that resides in him, this trait that he nurtures is amazingly beautiful. The way he says "Ehhhhhhhhh?!" when you tell him something new, and how he excitedly asks "Wow! Pano yun?!" is just precious. This... is one of the things that made me attracted to him.

His excited expression and hand gestures when he's telling me something new or something funny. He can make any dull story sound like it's the most interesting thing in the world. He can be so animated with his hands while explaining. He sparks interest in others when he's like this, and I love it... and I miss it.

Faced with many adversities in life, his determined face reminds me that he wouldn't back down so easily. He likes a good challenge, even though sometimes, it makes him feel depressed, he'd spring back to life and face it head on. Truly admirable, I was jealous of this.... And I miss it.

He hates it when we are late for anything. One of the things I miss is his irritated expression when I'm running late. The way his eyes would squint and his tiny mouth would pout while telling me why I am running late and why it shouldn't happen. It irritated me then. It felt like he was nagging me but I know he was right ... now, when I look back and close my eyes, it's no longer irritating but cute. I'd like to see this expression on his face again.

There were only a few times but, the biggest impact, out of everything he did when we were together, was when he would punch walls. I remember him telling me a story about his injured knuckle, how it would hurt cause some bones might have been misaligned. Whenever he would punch the wall, I would always worry that it would hurt twice as much because of that injury. The day we broke up, I heard him punch the wall. I stood with my back to the door outside his room and closed my eyes. I knew it could have hurt him but I stopped myself from going back in. If I did, I wouldn't be able to leave...

Lastly, his voice. I don't know what is the span of time where in one would forget how another person's voice sounds like. It's been more than a year now and I think I may have forgotten the sound. I hope that the next time I hear it, though the encounter may be heartbreaking, I would still be able to recognize it.

There are plenty of things that I miss about him, and there are plenty of things that reminds me that I do miss him.

But I believe that he is happy now and I don't belong in his world anymore. I'll be working my best to get over this feeling. I'll probably create a separate blog just for the purpose of getting over. I need suggestions on what I should call it. I'm thinking of calling it, 365 days of something.

Honestly, this won't do
How is he doing?
I tell myself I'm feeling swell
But I know I'm such a fool 

I could take it as a new beginning
But you know I don't feel that way
Who will take all this pain away?
I know it's wrong for me to say...

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